Goats and Virgins..........

I just had an interesting Emily Latella moment. Some of you may remember her, the character played by Gilda Radner on the original Saturday Night Live. Miss Latella was an elderly lady who used to get her knickers in a knot over something she misheard. My favorite of hers was a rant she did because she heard this big effort was going on because of "endangered Beagles". Of course she misheard "endangered eagles". After every piece when she had been corrected she would say,  "never mind"....

Well, I had one of those today. I was scanning through my email, without my glasses of course. I was checking the spam page when I saw, or thought I saw one from one of these dating companies saying "Meet Ray, he loves goats and virgins". That got my attention. I squinted even closer and yup, that's what I thought it said. Of course, I didn't care if this was spam, I wanted to see a picture of this guy. So I went and got my glasses and came back and realized that it had really said, "Meet Ray, he has goals and values". Well that's boring! Life is so much more interesting without glasses. This has given me a few thoughts about stuff like that, that I'd thought I'd share with you.

I remember a birthday card I gave my sister about 30 years ago. Yep that's the same one that tamed the Impala, I've only got one, but she's enough. Anyway, it had a picture of a woman on the front and it said " Happy Birthday, one year older" and you opened it up and it said, "and one year closer to looking like mom!"
Well, Mary Lou dropped that thing like it was on fire and screamed. I thought it was a great card, hardly deserving of that reaction. The point is like it or not, we're getting older and that moment is going to arise, if it hasn't already, when you look in the mirror and your mom or dad or some other relative is looking back at you and this is not a good hair day for them. Luckily, this usually happens when you first get up in the morning, so it can screw up your whole day, or sometime other than when you are looking your finest. If it happens to you when you are all dressed up, than you need to make a serious review of your wardrobe, or better yet, just take out the teeth, put on your robe and slippers and check yourself into an "assisted care facility" it's all over for you. Every once in awhile my dad or mom show up in my mirror. I'm waiting for the day, my Aunt Lena shows up. That's going to be an omen.

I remember one day when my son Jason was in high school and his girlfriend was over at the house. Jason is a strikingly handsome young man, but he does favor his father some. Anyway, my ex used to work nights, so he would sleep days and afternoons. It was his habit at some time in the afternoon he would wake up for a snack and wander into the kitchen to find something to eat and then wander back to bed. This was usually accompanied by wearing a pair of loose holey jockeys and a lot of ass scratching and hair that was standing straight up and dried spit in the corners of his mouth. Anyway, we are all sitting in the family room and guess who comes walking through in true form? The devil made me do it and I pointed out to the girlfriend that if she stuck with Jason, this is what she could look forward to in about 40 years. Her head snapped around so fast I'm amazed she didn't get whiplash. Luckily, she wasn't "the one". Luckily for Jason that is, I've seen her mom!


The interesting thing about this process of aging is that it happens gradually and we don't really notice it until one day, boom! there it is. I remember thinking that my mother had to be a complete idiot some of the things she did. We would get home from the grocery store and be putting things away and inevitably my mom would say something like "that's not what i wanted" and I'd think to myself, then why'd you buy it? Shades of "goats and virgins" here. I do that myself. I'll be looking through the cabinets and see something and think, when did I buy that? Or go to get a can of beets from the cabinet and find that instead I bought "extra slimey okra with pigs feet". Yeah, I had the glasses on for that one!

I know I am a constant source of amusement for the Doos. Especially when I lose something and go looking for it. they love to watch me search the same place 15 times, all the while the something I'm searching for is sitting about 3 feet away in the wide open. I think once in awhile they actually take my keys, for example, and hide them in a crate and watch me go nuts trying to find them and then put them back in the same spot i had just searched. I'm suspicious of that because I have seen a little paw slapping going on behind my back. They also love it when I go searching for something, forget what it was and then have to come back after I've remembered. I see some nudging going on as I come into a room and then get that blank look and leave again only to return when I've remembered. Bill Cosby said he figured that we had a memory button somewhere on our butts that activated when we went to sit down after forgetting what it was we were looking for. He said that life would be much easier if we could find the button and just push it when we forgot.

As for me, I'm enjoying old age. I'm going to keep on not wearing the glasses and read some interesting things. I'm going to keep on buying things that I wouldn't eat if it was the last can on earth. I'm going to continue to amuse my dogs with senility. I'll leave you for now with my last foray into senility. Last week, I went nuts looking for my glasses. I don't care how many pair you have, you can never find one when your looking. Finally, I made one of my 300/day pee stops and was sitting there on the commode and looked into the mirror and saw my glasses... on my face... Ain't life weird!