Return of the "bad dog"....

You know the song, "Summertime and the livin is easy" I just changed the lyrics to "Spring is here and the Dals are crazy". I think it has something to do with being cooped up in the winter and finally allowed to run and play and knock old people over. Lotto and I are the 2 old people here and yes, we've both been knocked on our butts by a Dalmatian moving like a freight train at full speed who isn't looking at where they are going. This is usually attributed to Sunfire because he is the youngest, fastest and brainless. Okay, those of you who don't own Dals may not understand this, but I'm sure there is an equivalent in other breeds. Those of you who own Dals, especially male Dals, will  be nodding their heads in agreement. Male Dals, especially those still intact, do not even approach growing a brain until around 5 years old. Until that time they are big, powerful, brainless goobers. Sunfire is not quite 3 years old yet so this definitely applies to him. I have been out walking with Lotto, the rest scream past at about 90 mph. Sunfire is always torn between wanting to run as fast as he can for as long as possible and being with mama. So in his brainless way, he combines the two to come up with running at mama at about 90 and not putting on any brakes and not jumping any hurdles. Okay, back to the walk. Lotto and I are walking up the road to the mailbox and the 4 others (not Sunny) at running like a pack of thoroughbreds and heading into the second turn when Sunfire sees mama and Lotto on the other side of the creek. You can see he is having a hard time making a decision but in the end the big old wussy mama's boy wins out and he comes scre4aming back towards us. I'm hollering at Lotto who is in front of me and sniffing a pile of poop to move, more like "MOVE, MOVE, MOVE" and she is ignoring me. So here comes Sunfire with his eyes on me and oblivious to anything else in his path. Sunfire is solid muscle and bone and about 60 pounds. He literally mows down Lotto and tumbles her on his way to me. Meanwhile I move out of the way at the last second because I've been where Lotto is and because if you move too early, he will correct his path of destruction. As he goes past me he remembers to stop and it doesn't hurt that I'm hollering at him at the top of my lungs to "STOP". Meanwhile, Lotto is getting to her feet and looking a little disoriented. However, ever since that incident when she hears me holler "MOVE" she does, quickly and far away from me. Sunfire's idea of affection are big paw hugs. This is where he wraps his front paws around your arm or legs, whichever is closer and tries to drag you off. Sometimes he will even "mouth" your hand while dragging your leg or grab a mouthful of hair to tug on if he has your arm. I told you, he is a large puppy, a very strong, lovable affectionate puppy.!

I bring all this up about male Dals not growing a brain until 5 to possibly explain an incident that happened 2 days ago. When we moved up here I wanted to eat better and also being on a limited income, I had given up eating meat, However, once a carnivore, always a carnivore. I was grocery shopping and I smelled what distinctly identified as a hamburger. That was it. All my willpower was exhausted and I snagged a pound of hamburger before I hit the checkout. Okay, Okay, I also got some breakfast sausages and a KitKat too. I confess, I added a diet Coke at the last minute. Well I blew my "all water" part of the diet too. Anyway, there was no guilt to be found, only anticipation of a juicy hamburger with chips (did I forget to mention them?) I came home and fed the Doos in some fantasy idea that they would leave me alone. Right! I started to prepare my burger by cutting the pound of ground chuck in half and putting the other half in the freezer. If you are going to have a burger, it needs to be a greasy one. I was frying the burger with all the appropriate spices on it, also known as the "men's basic 4 spices" that go on everything, salt, pepper, garlic powder and onion salt. and sauteing onion on the side. Now I am a burger purist. I don't want a garden salad on my burger, just cheese, sauteed onions and mustard. I had forgotten to buy buns, so I was using 2 slices of bread. My bread was laying open side by side with the hamburger, cheese and onions on one slice and mustard on the second. I turned slightly to the left to get a paper towel and all I saw was this blur. What an athlete. Here came SunfireDoos were looking at each other like "Oooh is he in trouble". None of them have ever stolen any food while I was right there before. Well there was one time that Mira snagged a chip from my plate and ate it joyfully while looking at me like "you end want it back now that I've slobbered on it??" But we all know that Mira "ain't quite right".

After about 30 minutes I let him out again. They don't remember what they've done at that point. Of course all the other Doos were right there to remind him. I was working at the computer and here comes Sunfire sidling up to me with this look of total regret on his face or maybe it was fear of death. Anyway, he is tentatively mouthing my elbow very gently and I turn to look at him and say' "what?". Now the dogs and I have conversations all the time. They have very expressive faces and I talk and make up what they are saying, but somehow it always seems pretty close. He looked at me with total love on his face as if to say "I love you mom". I replied, "you ate my hamburger". His response surprised me, he said "No, I didn't it wasn't me". I replied that I saw him and he told me his version of the theft. He said that as he was sitting there being a good boy, not trying to drag mama away, and this other dog ran past him and stole the hamburger and ran into his crate. He told me that the other dog looks just like him and that maybe it was Sunny. Nice try but Sunny had been in his crate, He then told me the other dog's name was Sunfire, too. Now that was stretching it a little. I said, okay, let me get this straight, there is another dog in this house who looks just like you and his name is also Sunfire? All the Doos were agreeing. I could hear in the background murmurs and whispers of "the bad dog". Now the "bad dog" was a fictional dog that lived with us when the Doos were all younger and would do bad stuff and then the Doos would get blamed for it. Every bad thing that happened was because of "the bad dog". We hadn't seem him around for awhile, I just assumed he got bored and moved on. But evidently, "HE'S BACK!" I looked at Sunfire and said "right!", at which prompt he grabbed my arm with his paws, yanked a hunk of hair on my head and tried to pull me out of my chair. He did calm down a little when I threatened to kill him first and then go looking for the bad dog.

Alright, I know this is long and it's going to get longer, so either come back to it later or go pee now. For those of you who are troopers and will staunchly carry on, let's go. Because of the incident with Sunfire bowling over Lotto, she now goes out with Sunny when he goes. This works out good for her because he goes for long walks or runs and usually comes back an hour or so later. Sunny used to go out with Mira but that's like letting 2 psychos out together and they just fed off of each other. Now Mira goes out with Sunfire, Riggins and Siren. The three of them keep her in check, not that it does any good. Her latest thing is to go up to the Yorkies storm door and and do the crazy dog thing while they in turn snarl and bark at her feeling safe because of the door. God help us if that door ever gives way,  there will be some shittin and gittin Yorkies with the Tasmanian devil in hot pursuit.

Sunny has always been very protective of Lotto and usually they hang around together and have for all their lives together. At first it was a wonderful love story, like Pongo and Perdita in 101 Dalmatians but 3 litters later and several years it's become more like Fred and Ethel Mertz in I Love Lucy. Like I said, we have conversations. They do too, especially Sunny and Lotto. They hang out together on the bed or where ever and you can hear them grumbling at each other and then an occasional lip lift and finally one will turn their back on the other. The day after the burger incident they had been out together and here comes Sunny galloping up the drive without Lotto. So here he comes all smiles and prancing. He gets about 20 feet from me and I ask him, "where's Lotto?". Now he does know what this means. He stops and gives me a look that says "Who's Lotto?" I tell him she's that short pudgy little female Dalmatian that you left with. He starts looking around and then sticks his nose in the air and after a second he takes back off in the direction he came from. About 2 minutes later, Both Lotto and Sunny come trotting up the drive. I'm fussing at Sunny on the way into the yard that he shouldn't just leave Lotto that she could get lost or something bad could happen. Later on, the two of them are hanging out on the bed and your can hear them begin to talk. Sunny asked Lotto where she had been when he came home. He said "one minute you were there and the second you're gone". She told him that she had been right where he left her when he ran off. He asked her what had happened the other day with Sunfire and the burger, so she filled him in but when she got to the "bad dog" part Sunny let out one loud bark which translates to "Bulls_ _t!, and she believed him!!" Lotto shrugged. Sunny said "that's why I hate that little asshole, he gets away with everything". Lotto replied "He's your son" and Sunny said, "Don't start again!" After a few moments of silence, Sunny said "You know, we're gonna have to start looking after that one". Lotto asked, "Sunfire?" and Sunny said, "No, the old one, she gets crazier every day. Did you hear her out there hollering when the asshole knocked you down, like you're supposed to understand MOVE and now this bad dog BS". Lotto said, "She's your human, you take care of her". Sunny said, "wait a minute, you were here before I was". Lottie shrugged and said "someday, she's going to go out with you and your going to leave HER someplace and then she will be gone and who's gonna hunt for kibble then, you??, you couldn't hunt down a lame Yorkie!". Sunny gave her an indignant look and said, "Kiss my spotted ass". Lotto gave him a disgusted look and replied "pick the spot you're all ass, no pun intended". At that point there was a little bit of lip lifting and a very quiet growl. Lotto turned facing away from Sunny with her butt close to his face and farts....