.......and the rabbit done died!

Life around here just keeps getting funner and funner! The weather has been intolerable. As Mathew Broderick said in Biloxi Blues, "This is hot, this is Africa hot, Tarzan couldn’t stand this hot! Let me tell you how hot it is, the Yorkies won't come outside to bark. Of course they are Yorkies, have a lot of hair, are very short and could drown in a shallow puddle and wouldn't want to get their ribbons wet. Nothing stops the Doos from running amok, except of course rain. God forbid they should get a paw wet! I've told them over and over that they have nothing to worry about, they aren't sugar which would melt but poop floats. I didn't use the word poop but I'm trying to watch my language. I think I heard Mira bark a "bad word".

We had a death in the neighborhood. I told you that besides Yorkies and the big lab, the neighbors have rabbits and none of them are neutered so they have an ever changing population. Well I heard from Donny that one of the rabbits kicked the bucket. It was one of the older rabbits I was kind of hoping it was that bad tempered one that throws her dish. She's a real Diva or so she thinks. For crap sakes she is a RABBIT no rabbit is a Diva. Anyway, they had a funeral for the rabbit and buried it. They buried it on the hill on the side of my house which the little girl informed me is where they bury all the dead rabbits. Gee thanks!! My first thought was I wonder how long it will take one of the dogs to dig it up and drag it home. That what we really need on a hot humid day, a dead rotting rabbit, yeah that’s the ticket!

I always let the second shift out in the morning after Sunny and Lotto have been out tooling around peeing on everything and crapping in the neighbor’s yard. I know, I know, but they bury dead animals in my yard!! There is some sense of justice. So anyway the second shift goes out. This is comprised of Riggins, Siren, Mira and Sunfire. Usually Riggins comes right back and starts tattling on the other dogs. He is such a butt kisser! Today he didn’t and I stepped out on the front porch and see him and Sunfire and Mira all looking at Siren who has something and is eating it. I take a good look (they are about 30’ away). I put on my glasses like that was going to help. I saw something white and furry and just knew it was a rabbit. I went back inside and put on some clothes and by this time the dead thing had changed owners and Sunfire had it. I managed to call him to me and of course he ignored me so I went up to him and the battle began. It was indeed a headless bunny. I don’t know why they insist on decapitating their kill but it must be some reason, it tastes best, they don’t want the thing to come alive again, it’s a religious thing, who knows. I saw that it was a good sized bunny but it was a domestic rabbit. I tried to wrestle the thing from Sunfire but he wasn’t giving it up he looked at me as if to say, get your own rabbit, this one is mine. He had quite a grip on it and I tried to pull his jaws apart and all he did was drool on my hand and bite down harder. I almost lost a finger on that. Then he took off with the rest of the pack behind him. I thought “oh great, they are going to play keep the dead rotting carcass away from mom” or better yet “pass the dead rotting carcass”. I finally grabbed him by the back of his neck and dragged him onto the front porch. I won’t delight you with all the gory details of the condition of the said rabbit. I decided if I was ever going to get that thing away from him I was going to have to suffocate him so I pinched off his nose and lips and waited for him to open his mouth and take a breathe and almost lost a hand the first time. Never one to say die (no pun intended) I tried it again and was quick enough to grab it when he took a breath. Okay, mission accomplished! I went and got all the wild beasts in their crates and took a pair of gloves picked up what was left of the bunny and double bagged it. I started to think. Okay now if this bunny died, what did it die of?? I went and looked at the rabbit and noticed a very large pair of balls attached to this rabbit. The one that died was a female. OOOkay. I took the rabbit over to the neighbors and asked if they were missing a rabbit. They said it was probably the one that died and then I told them that this was a boy. They went inside and OMG there was one missing, the big male!! All kind of thoughts were going through my head like how did the dog get inside, get the rabbit and get back out and knowing the Doos like I do there would have been carnage. After a short investigation they found that the cage wasn’t latched. This rabbit got out through the Yorkie doggy door and had plans to have a good time outside. As Dr King said, “Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty I’m free at last!” Now the only thing this rabbit knew about dogs was that it was bigger than the little furry yappers, no worry. I can just see it, there he was grazing in the sweet fresh grass when he suddenly went to rabbit heaven via a white and black tornado. I believe the tornado’s name was Siren. Dogs won’t share their catch until they are done with it or the alpha dog wants it, so Siren is awarded the kill. Siren 1, rabbit 0. I was going to ask them why they don’t bury the dead rabbits on their own side of the creek, but I didn’t think this was a good time for it.

In other news, Riggins was awarded the “Stinker of the week” award. Usually Riggins is a pretty good guy. He likes to boss around Sunfire and sniff Mira a lot but he doesn’t usually get into too much trouble. He has a really important place in the pack as Sunny’s back up, second in charge and he helps get the food too. Well everybody has been getting on each others nerves with this heat and everybody being inside. I have a couple of flyswatters that I keep handy, to swat flies and dogs when I want their attention. Last week Sunny was loudly washing his woo-woo. It sounded like he was enjoying a meal from KFC. The slurping and licking was LOUD. Anyway, I said “Sunny, knock it off”. Of course he ignored me. His take on this is “this is my woo-woo and I’ll lick it all I want, you won’t lick it for me”. I took the flyswatter and swatted him on the butt with it. He turned very indignantly and gave me a low growl. Not the kind of he’s going to bite me growl, more the kind of how dare you swat me, I’m the king don’t you know that growl. I gave him another swat and he copped a very uppity attitude and went to lay down on my bed. I told you what a suck up Riggins is. If Sunny ever stops quickly, we’re going to be taking them both to the vet to get Riggins head removed from Sunny’s ass. Okay, fast forward about an hour. I’m sitting here working at the computer and in comes Riggins he has the flyswatter all chewed up with large pieces missing. He has this thing by the handle and come and drops it at my feet. I swear he was saying “guess you won’t be swatting any more dogs with this, will you”. What he didn’t know but quickly found out was that I had 2 flyswatters……

Summertime and the Dals are lazy... PLUS Yorkie news!!

Summertime has arrived here in the mountains and it's gorgeous. Average daily temp around 80. All the Doos are into the season and that means taking a lot of naps. If there was any square footage left on the screened in porch I'd be tempted to join them. Those of you familiar with dogs you know that a 10 pound dog can take up to a 3'x3' space. So knowing that, I am here to tell you that the average sized Dalmatian can use up a 4'x4' space. God forbid that one dog should touch another dog when sprawled out. When you have 6 of these critters that's more than the size of a porch So picture this, you know that Sunny and Sunfire can't be out at the same time so there are usually only 4 or 5 out on the porch and the other one or two sprawled out on my bed. They like to take as much room as possible. That includes laying full length (sometimes on back) with legs spread out in four directions, head extended as far as possible with tongue hanging out (hey that extra inch or two is important). In addition in an effort to use every square inch possible, both ears are extended to the sides, this is a favorite especially when laying on their backs. Of course I guess I could prevent this if I closed the doors and turned on the AC but the weather is beautiful, the porch is in the shade and screened and I have ceiling fans. I have found one way to get some porch space is go out there with cookies. This immediately gets their attention. Take a few cookie pieces and toss them inside which will get most if not all of them in frenzy to get a cookie. The first time I tried this, I didn't think it through very well, because now that I was out their in my chair, they came running back in and proceeded to mob me in my chair before going and spreading out like the swine flu. Okay, second time I did a little better, I opened the gate, so that when they went out they could just go and run for awhile. Well, that worked for about 10 minutes after which they decided that it was too hot and Hey, look their is mama!! So again I got mugged but this time by wet dogs. I finally gave up. They say that you have to be smarter than the dogs and I haven't mastered that one yet. I've concluded that I'll just be cranky and walk over them giving solid nudges and a lot of "Hey you, move!(s)". That actually works some time.

Okay, there is some Yorkie news. There is a new Yorkie! He came to live with the other 3 because his mom went to live in an apartment. This one is different, he is small like the littlest one, but he is a pure cinnamon color. He moved in thinking that he was going to rule the roost and the other 3 took care of that in a matter of minutes, Especially the big blond one! I also have to admit that one of them has fallen in love with me. It's hard to dislike anything that small that loves you. This affair started slowly by me going to visit the neighbors and of course all the Yorkies were raising hell. After I had been there a few minutes the littlest one, his name is Tate, came sniffing around and I just picked him up and started to idly pet him. I looked down and I saw a look of pure love in this dogs eyes. That is what I could see of his eyes with all that hair in front of his face. I should have quit there because when I got home all the Doos surrounded me and I got  thorough sniff. Kind of like a fire hydrant in Central Park. A couple of them thought about peeing on me to mark me again but they got "the look" and decided it wasn't worth dying over. The next time I went out to pick up the mail, there was Tate on the porch, jumping up and down and wagging his tail as is to say "Hi, hi, I'm over here, come pick me up". Of course as I already admitted to not being smarter than a dog, I'd like to think I'm as smart as a dog but if you asked the Doos they would probably tell you "just go ahead and humor her, we go through this all the time". Anyway, the next time I was over at the neighbors, I just sat down and here was this furry little thing sitting on my foot and giving me adoring looks. I couldn't refuse so I picked him up again and he proceeded to snuggle under my neck and look at his daddy and mama is if to say, "look where I am". He even gave me a kiss, a little Yorkie kiss. His mama said that she was amazed, because he is the one who is very standoffish and more likely to bite. I think he realized I'm a kindred spirit, I'm very cranky and likely to bite also.

The new Yorkie tried to test me too. He is the same size as Tate but his face hair is clipped. Kind of giving him a little rat like face (with a big mouth!) I picked him up and he almost shit all over himself. I was holding him with one hand and had him face to face. Now as I've told ya'll

Talking about biting dogs, I mean you biting them, not the other way around. It's really important that dogs be taught that a kiss is a sign of affection. Your other alternative is to lick them, they understand that. That is usually going to leave you with a furry tongue and a dog who expects you to lick them. Kissing them is a much better choice. To a dog who hasn't been kissed they think you are trying to eat them. Can you imagine if you were swimming in the ocean and a Blue Whale swims up to you and opens it's mouth just as it gets to you. I guarantee that you will be all asshole and elbows trying to get away. It's not going to dawn on you that it is trying to kiss you. That's what dogs think when you first go to kiss them, "shit, this big thing is trying to eat me!!!!" Even tiny puppies will pull back the first couple of times it is kissed. Not being eaten is one of those instinct things I guess. The other thing that goes through their tiny puppy brains is that their mother is just sitting there and not protecting them. I know what they think, "hey mom, pay attention this huge fur less thing is trying to eat me and you're just sitting there". Of course you can do a huge amount of damage to a dogs trust if you approach them smiling and then bite them. My guess is the next person that goes to kiss them is in for a huge surprise!

Whoop-de-doo It's Birthday time again!!

You know, having a bunch of dogs is like having a bunch of kids. It's always some one's birthday!! Today (6/19) is both Siren and Riggins birthday, they are littermates. Seven years ago, Lotto was seriously regretting having anything to do with Sunny. About this time (5:30 pm) she delivered her first pup. Lotto is not one of those super whelpers. She likes to take a nice break between puppies. At about 9:00 pm she delivered what I thought was her last pup. Wrong!!! At 2:00 am she delivered Riggins. He has always been a little different. He was a perfect little pup. And for the past 7 years he has been doing things on his own time. So today we have a double birthday and Father's day to boot!

Naturally this called for a party. Again no hats, although Sunny does enjoy wearing the occasional stylish hat. We actually had to have 2 parties because Sunny and Sunfire simply hate each other. So we had the Father's day party in the afternoon and the Birthday bash in the evening. We served our usual fare, big bowls of ice cold water, hot dogs and BIG cookies. It was a rather reserved event for us. But Sunny enjoyed it.  He would have enjoyed it more if he could have beat up Sunfire! Sunfire didn't attend the Father's day party, but he did get treats. In the evening, we had our birthday party. Sunfire sang his long, loud version of the Wooo-Wooo song. Riggins joined in on that one, but they never did reach that perfect harmony. Siren, of course, danced her paws off and Mira joined her in her version of dancing which includes scooting across the floor. She tries her best, but Siren is the dancer in this family. Siren did her usual paw tapping and butt wiggling but because it was her birthday, she added a new step which was to get on her hind feet and wave her front paws in the air. I'm telling you that girl can DANCE. We celebrated with some chicken nuggets, ice cream and a group snuggle. Of course Sunny didn't attend this one, but he did share the treats too.

I'm getting too damn old to party like that. Lotto agreed, somewhere between the start and end of the Birthday party, she left and took some additional nuggets and went to lay on the bed. I wasn't far behind her. Oh, by the way, there has been a new development at the Yorkie house. There is a new Yorkie! Stay tuned for the next posting, hopefully this week. Same time, same blog, same dogs........

Snack Sneaking Strategies....

I believe that the joy of snacking is enhanced by sneaking said snack as opposed to being given it. In other words, stuff tastes better if you steal it. This is something most dogs know and practice religiously. Now this isn't to say that they will turn down a snack if offered, but it's always better if you can get one when no one is looking, or in Mira's case, even if they are.


 I  heard a great snack story lately that involved my sister's dog Gracie. Now Gracie is a senior with a big ole smile and gentle ways. She also has penchant for watermelon. A while ago my sister, Mary Lou and her husband, Jerry, were sitting around eating some watermelon on a hot day. Being the generous person she is, Mary Lou offered Gracie a bite. Gracie took her up on it and took the whole slice and ate it. Now I think as opposed to being a steal the snack incident it was a lack of communication. Mary Lou, as with most dog owners, are not aware of the subtleties of dog manners. Now I know that when you offer a dog something, they just assume that the whole piece is for them. Try offering your dog a bite of your sandwich next time and see if he/she doesn't swallow your whole hand! It's not bad manners, just a dog's way of thinking.

One of my best dog/snack story took place years ago when my ex and I lived in San Diego. We had a back deck that had a jacuzzi installed in it. The top edge of the Jacuzzi was flush with the deck. We were having a cookout and one of the guests was sitting in the whirlpool and had her hand elevated so as not to get her hamburger wet. We also had an elderly Beagle who was a  snack freak. The Beagle's name was Bagle. Well, Bagle saw this scene and a nonchalantly as possible cruised right by this woman, relieved her of her burger and kept on going. This lady didn't know what to do. Trying to keep from laughing too hard, we gave her another burger and put poor Bagle in the house. Bagel was a master at sneaking snacks. She could open up a refrigerator with either paw. Most dogs are either right pawed or left pawed kind of like humans. Now Bagel would not only steal snacks, she would hide or bury them in the house. One day I was on the phone and noticed the big pot my dead cactus had been in. Yes, I admit I killed it. Nobody told me they shouldn't be fertilized. Back to the story. Anyway, there was a piece of what appeared to be cling wrap sticking out of the planter. I took hold of the cling wrap and pulled and unearthed an almost full pound of bacon. Bagle was standing there giving me the stink eye as if to say, "get your own bacon". I wound up having to bungee cord the refrigerator door to keep her out of the frig when I wasn't at home.

The Doos also have their unique ways to steal food. Sunny's favorite thing to do with purloined goodies is to hide them under my butt or under the bed pillow. If  I'm sitting down, he just takes whatever it is and starts to use his nose to stuff it under me. This works alright if it is a rawhide bone or something else. Works out for him, not so well with me. If it is a sandwich or something it doesn't work at all. Come to think about it, maybe it does work, I don't want back a sandwich that has been smushed by a dog nose and stuck on my butt so he usually just eats it in that case. He's pretty brazen about stealing from other dogs, except Lotto who will kick his ass if he looks cross eyed at her.

Speaking of Lotto, she is very tactful when it comes to me, she just sits there are give me the "big eyes". You know the look, the I'm so cute how can you resist me. Most of the time I can't. When it comes to all the other Doos she just casually walks up and relieves them of whatever they have and calmly walks off with it. Nobody messes with the queen. There have been times when I have passed out rawhide bones and the next thing I know, Lotto has all six. When ever she takes something of Sunny's, he comes to me and starts to bounce and whine. It's a particular sounding whine and he has knit his brows together and wants to lead me to Lotto and whatever goodie she stole from him. Of course it doesn't seem to matter to him that what got stolen was probably stolen from another dog. I usually just tell him to just go get it himself. Knowing full well that even he doesn't mess with Lotto.

Siren steals things and then hides them under her blanket in her crate and then she goes and lays in her crate trying to look innocent. Usually work too. Riggins is very quiet about stealing. He learned from Sunny how to counter cruise and even how to open the oven door, so God help you is you leave any leftovers in the oven, Riggins will have it! My tip off is that it is too quiet. I'll go in there and there is Riggins and/or Sunny with a large casserole dish on the floor and feasting off of it!

Mira on the other hand is very straightforward. She doesn't care if you are there or not. She has this, "that's mine, thank you" attitude. She will take something off my plate with me right there looking at it and as she snarfs it down she is looking like, "what? you want it back now". I have had the experience with her where I was eating a sandwich and saw Mira straight across eating her way to me! She has no shame or stress from doing a bad thing. She will do this to Sunny too. He can have a rawhide or anything else and she will walk right up and take it from him. If any of the other Doos did that he would tear them apart. Now I can hear some of you saying "you need to train that dog!". Listen, she is 6 going on 7 and believe me I have tried! But then we all know that Mira doesn't play by the rules. Especially with Yorkies or food.


My favorite though is Sunfire. He is a kind of grab and go guy. He's a big believer in the "bad dog theory". You can see him start to build up. He is looking at something, straight on, nothing subtle about this dog. then  he just can't stand it anymore and he jumps, grabs,swallows and runs like hell. He has two things about him that make this a successful maneuver. First, he's fast as lightening and second, he could swallow an elephant whole. He heads straight for his crate and lays down and looks at me as if to say "what sandwich?" Now this heading for the crate is a genetic trait. Newt, Sunny's father is a very polite dog. When he senses that there is trouble lurking in the air, he heads for his crate. He does not want to be involved in trouble, he is a very good boy.. On the other hand, Sunny will do the bad thing and then head for his crate as if to say, "I know that I am going to get punished so I'll save you the effort and put myself away". Sunfire on the other hand puts a new spin on it. He speeds to his crate and then gives you the "what bad thing?"" look. Of course this is usually implied with some evidence on his muzzle such as crumbs. The look is usually followed by the "big eyes" meant to melt my heart. On occasion it works. Sunfire is only three and Sunny's son and it's very hard for him to be good for a long while. At the end of the day when I talk to all of them, when it comes Sunfire's turn we decide whether it has been a good or bad day for him. Either way, he lays his head in my lap and gives me that "I love you mom" look. Today was not a good day for Sunfire. He was bad in so many ways, I can't even count. But tomorrow is a brand new day and a new start for him. Yo9u gotta love those spots........

Baby Man turns three!

Hi everyone,
This past week has been exciting. We've had Yorkie sightings I went on the "Little Bus" to go shopping and Monday was Sunfire's 3rd birthday! If it got anymore exciting than that I'd probably just keel over. Okay, we had an actual Yorkie sighting this past weekend. Yorkies are kind of like moles (not the face kind, the dirt kind). They don't venture out much when it is hot outside. I guess their tiny bodies can't take the heat. But on Thursday last week, I saw one playing outside. He was the little one. He was just having a time of it running and jumping at the little blue moths, acting like a real dog. I figured that his people didn't know he was out there and I was right. His mom came out and started calling him. Again, acting like a real dog, you could see his little mind twitching, "should I ignore her or be a good little toy dog and go to her. Well, good won out over bad and with his little ears down he went to his mama and went inside. I kind of felt sorry for the little booger. This little guy and I are kind of friends. Ever since I baby sat for them, this little one runs out onto the porch every time he sees me and gives tail wags and little barks and jumps up and down. I still don't know what his name is, I call him Critter. The other two don't trust me and still do the ferocious bark thing and run like hell when they see Sunny or Mira, what they don't realize is that the other four are just as likely to eat them as Sunny and Mira, Actually, Mira might eat them, she damn near eats anything, but Sunny can be a fussy eater and I don't know if Yorkie is on his preferred list. I know cat is.

Oh the joys of being an old fart. I may never drive again. I found that Rabun county (GA) has a great service. Actually it has several services. This county has a lot of seniors and is also a pretty wealthy county to boot. The service I used is called "Dial-a-ride". This is so cool, you call the day before and schedule a pick up (of you) and a little bus comes right to your door and a nice bus driver helps you into the bus. In my case, I even got a little footstool because of my little short legs. I got taken to the doctor's office first and then picked up when I was done and taken to Walmart to shop. I got picked up when done and the nice bus driver unloaded all my stuff from the cart into the bus and then unloaded all my stuff into the house when we got to it. All this great service and for only $6.00! That includes being picked up, stopping at up to three places and being brought home. As I said, I may never drive again!!

Okay, for the big news, ta-da..... Baby Man (Sunfire) turned 3 years old on Monday. Remember that I told you that male Dals don't grow a brain until they are at least 5 years old? Well that still applies. He is still a goober and a silly dog. I had bought some ice cream for his birthday, vanilla, because I am not even going to deal with the "I want this type etc". If ice cream came is "butt" flavor everyone would be happy. I also got some hot dogs too. So we all had a "Doo birthday party". We don't wear hats, but we do dance and eat and sing. Siren favored us with her rendition of the "Boogey woogey blues". Which is made up of some complicated shuffles and jumps along with a lot of body wagging. That girl can cut a rug. Sunfire and Riggins sang the "Wooo-wooo-wooo song" They are a great duo. Mira practiced her slight of paw hot dog stealing. Sunny of course couldn't attend because he acts like a complete asshole and fights with Sunfire, but he did share in the goodies. Lotto just hung around and ate and smiled. The rest of the evening was given over to competitive farting. Dogs are lactose intolerant and hot dogs make everyone fart. Lotto won the contest, she has years of practice on all of them.

Okay, last bit of news is that Sun man has decided to throw his paw back into the ring. He is going to be shown as a veteran starting with the Atlanta shows in October. He is very excited about this and very sure that he is winning material. We have already begun a show routine with him which involves an hour or two of exercise, usually running through the creek followed by scaring the crap out of the Yorkies. His diet is also changing, he is now regulated to eating only high quality dog food, no more pizza or oreos. That one hurts, but no pain, no gain. Finally we are extending his rest period by 1 hour, so instead of getting 13 hours of sleep a day, we have upped that to 14. The good part of that though is that he gets to sleep that extra hour sleeping on the bed, same as the other 13.

Well folks, I'm gonna sign off for now. I have plans in the future for visiting the Senior center. That ought to provide some great material. Seniors are even funnier that Yorkies......

Goats and Virgins..........

I just had an interesting Emily Latella moment. Some of you may remember her, the character played by Gilda Radner on the original Saturday Night Live. Miss Latella was an elderly lady who used to get her knickers in a knot over something she misheard. My favorite of hers was a rant she did because she heard this big effort was going on because of "endangered Beagles". Of course she misheard "endangered eagles". After every piece when she had been corrected she would say,  "never mind"....

Well, I had one of those today. I was scanning through my email, without my glasses of course. I was checking the spam page when I saw, or thought I saw one from one of these dating companies saying "Meet Ray, he loves goats and virgins". That got my attention. I squinted even closer and yup, that's what I thought it said. Of course, I didn't care if this was spam, I wanted to see a picture of this guy. So I went and got my glasses and came back and realized that it had really said, "Meet Ray, he has goals and values". Well that's boring! Life is so much more interesting without glasses. This has given me a few thoughts about stuff like that, that I'd thought I'd share with you.

I remember a birthday card I gave my sister about 30 years ago. Yep that's the same one that tamed the Impala, I've only got one, but she's enough. Anyway, it had a picture of a woman on the front and it said " Happy Birthday, one year older" and you opened it up and it said, "and one year closer to looking like mom!"
Well, Mary Lou dropped that thing like it was on fire and screamed. I thought it was a great card, hardly deserving of that reaction. The point is like it or not, we're getting older and that moment is going to arise, if it hasn't already, when you look in the mirror and your mom or dad or some other relative is looking back at you and this is not a good hair day for them. Luckily, this usually happens when you first get up in the morning, so it can screw up your whole day, or sometime other than when you are looking your finest. If it happens to you when you are all dressed up, than you need to make a serious review of your wardrobe, or better yet, just take out the teeth, put on your robe and slippers and check yourself into an "assisted care facility" it's all over for you. Every once in awhile my dad or mom show up in my mirror. I'm waiting for the day, my Aunt Lena shows up. That's going to be an omen.

I remember one day when my son Jason was in high school and his girlfriend was over at the house. Jason is a strikingly handsome young man, but he does favor his father some. Anyway, my ex used to work nights, so he would sleep days and afternoons. It was his habit at some time in the afternoon he would wake up for a snack and wander into the kitchen to find something to eat and then wander back to bed. This was usually accompanied by wearing a pair of loose holey jockeys and a lot of ass scratching and hair that was standing straight up and dried spit in the corners of his mouth. Anyway, we are all sitting in the family room and guess who comes walking through in true form? The devil made me do it and I pointed out to the girlfriend that if she stuck with Jason, this is what she could look forward to in about 40 years. Her head snapped around so fast I'm amazed she didn't get whiplash. Luckily, she wasn't "the one". Luckily for Jason that is, I've seen her mom!


The interesting thing about this process of aging is that it happens gradually and we don't really notice it until one day, boom! there it is. I remember thinking that my mother had to be a complete idiot some of the things she did. We would get home from the grocery store and be putting things away and inevitably my mom would say something like "that's not what i wanted" and I'd think to myself, then why'd you buy it? Shades of "goats and virgins" here. I do that myself. I'll be looking through the cabinets and see something and think, when did I buy that? Or go to get a can of beets from the cabinet and find that instead I bought "extra slimey okra with pigs feet". Yeah, I had the glasses on for that one!

I know I am a constant source of amusement for the Doos. Especially when I lose something and go looking for it. they love to watch me search the same place 15 times, all the while the something I'm searching for is sitting about 3 feet away in the wide open. I think once in awhile they actually take my keys, for example, and hide them in a crate and watch me go nuts trying to find them and then put them back in the same spot i had just searched. I'm suspicious of that because I have seen a little paw slapping going on behind my back. They also love it when I go searching for something, forget what it was and then have to come back after I've remembered. I see some nudging going on as I come into a room and then get that blank look and leave again only to return when I've remembered. Bill Cosby said he figured that we had a memory button somewhere on our butts that activated when we went to sit down after forgetting what it was we were looking for. He said that life would be much easier if we could find the button and just push it when we forgot.

As for me, I'm enjoying old age. I'm going to keep on not wearing the glasses and read some interesting things. I'm going to keep on buying things that I wouldn't eat if it was the last can on earth. I'm going to continue to amuse my dogs with senility. I'll leave you for now with my last foray into senility. Last week, I went nuts looking for my glasses. I don't care how many pair you have, you can never find one when your looking. Finally, I made one of my 300/day pee stops and was sitting there on the commode and looked into the mirror and saw my glasses... on my face... Ain't life weird!

It was a '64 Impala officer......

Dear God, can you die of asphyxiation from dog farts? It either that or I'm getting light headed from the lack of oxygen in the room. Actually 90% of what we breathe in is Nitrogen, but I think dog farts displace that too. I thought if I go I'd better leave someone a note telling them why and blaming it on "the bad dog". I don't know what these dogs are eating, I'm feeding them their regular kibble. They smell like pickled eggs and beer farts which are in a class all of their own. I have an ex-husband who had a penchant for pickled eggs and beer. He also had a fondness for holding my head under the covers. If you have ever smelled one of these wonders, you will never forget it. Now all I have to do is find their stash of pickled eggs and beer! I'll throw out the pickled eggs and drink the beer.

Speaking of the bad dog, I was cooking the rest of the hamburger that I put in the freezer tonight. Naturally, I have dogs following my every move hoping I'll pass out and then they can get the hamburger. Maybe that is what the farts are all about. I very casually turn and mention that if the bad dog was thinking of making an appearance tonight, that I would kill the first dog I see and then go after the bad dog. I told them, "see I have 6 of you and this is the last of my precious ground beef!" Nobody even moved an ear and some of them even went to lay in their crates. Of course, Sunfire wasn't among them, he is an eternal optimist. The hamburger was great!

Have you ever been laying in bed trying to take a nap and you know how your mind wanders? I was doing that today and an old memory came drifting by. I started laughing so hard I was snorting. Lotto thought I was having a heart attack and came up to see what was wrong. She saw me having hysterics, snot running down my nose and unable to stop either. She looked at me with that goofy smile she has where she squints her eyes, scrunches up her ears and lifts her front lip. In the Dal world, this is known as a "smarl", half smile, half snarl. The cause of this was a memory that as far as I can remember was the funniest experience of my life. Now my sister who was the other 1/2 of the experience may not have agreed at the time, but since then we have had some great laugh fests remembering this.

This whole memory thing came about because I was looking for a new picture to put up for Facebook. I have one posted, a 6th or 7th grade picture of me  looking so cute in my catholic school uniform. Anyway, I see something on the picture and enlarge it to see what it was. It was tire tracks! I sent my sister an instant message about it and she answered back that it was from a "'64 Impala". At the mention of that I started laughing and snorting etc. The little incident this afternoon was just a continuation of that. I've been laughing my ass off about this for 3 days and decided that anything that funny needs to be passed on to the loyal pig and Yorkie fans.

Okay, picture this, it was 1970 + and my sister and I had been to the mall shopping.We had on our elephant bell pants, platform shoes, long straight hair etc. We had just come out of TJ-Max at a large mall and were getting ready to cross to the parking lot. You know how you glance to make sure someone isn't trying to mow you down and then proceed. I was on the right, my sister Mary Lou was on the left and everything was clear on the right and there was a car moving towards us on the left but with plenty of room to stop. So we are having this conversation and we both hear a lot of people saying "Whoa, Whoa" and "STOP". About this time this car goes in front of me and I see my sister leave with the car. My first thought was "that's pretty damn rude, I'm talking to her and she leaves!" A millisecond later it dawns on me that she had just been hit by this car and was riding the front passenger side of the fender. Now let me take time to stage the whole thing for you. When I glanced left, there was a car coming, but I thought it would stop, it wouldn't have had to slam on it's brakes or anything, that was assuming on my part that it had brakes What I saw go in front of me was a 1964 Chevrolet Impala with 7 large African American men riding in it, all of them hollering "WHOA" or "STOP" and had the doors open and feet were dragging on the ground in a vain attempt to stop this train of a car. I bring up the fact of their ethnicity only to give you an idea as to their state of mind. This was the '70's in the south and a car full of black guys just hit a white girl in front of a well populated mall and it appeared that they didn't even try to stop. I look up at the car as it is leaving and see my sister riding that fender like a Brahman bull at a Texas rodeo. She didn't want to fall off and get run over by the thing but all she was missing was a cowboy hat and an arm waving in the air. They traveled about another 30 feet or so before they came to a stop. I think by this time the guys were outside the car trying to stop it. Now this happened before I studied physics, but the 1964 full sized car, which the Impala is, is a certified land yacht, you could sit 8 people in that car and 7 very comfortably. You could rent out the back seat to a family of 5 and the trunk to 2 families of illegals. The words momentum and inertia describe this incident. As a matter of fact if you look up momentum you'll see a picture of  '64 Impala with some cowgirl riding the right front fender. Of course I ran after the car and got there about the time it stopped. Just in time to see Mary Lou slide off the fender. There were a couple of guys trying to help her and another one trying to sign her up for the bronc riding event in the next Olympics. She appeared to be a little dazed but unhurt, can't understand that can you?? I asked her if she was alright and I think she said yeah. I don't remember much more about that, I was laughing too hard. We made a pact not to tell our mom. I think it was because we were driving her car and I think sometime after that we did tell her. My mom passed in 1988 and it was probably not too long before that that we told her. Can't let someone die without knowing that one of her daughters got hit by a car and the other one almost had a cardiac laughing at it. I think Mary Lou wound up with a huge bruise on her butt. But it was well worth it to give us damn near 40 years of great laughs. We did retrieve her purse before we left. It was one of those hippie shoulder bags made from suede with fringe. I am here to attest that she never could get the tire print off of that thing. I hope she still has it. Now, if you thought this was funny to read about, you should have been there to see it.

Today is my mother's birthday, she would have been 91, Happy Birthday Mom. In three days, the 18th, it will be my sister's birthday and she will be 54. I want to thank her for being my sister and loving me no matter what and especially for giving me one of the funniest memories ever. Love you Lou!