I just had an interesting Emily Latella moment. Some of you may remember her, the character played by Gilda Radner on the original Saturday Night Live. Miss Latella was an elderly lady who used to get her knickers in a knot over something she misheard. My favorite of hers was a rant she did because she heard this big effort was going on because of "endangered Beagles". Of course she misheard "endangered eagles". After every piece when she had been corrected she would say, "never mind"....
Well, I had one of those today. I was scanning through my email, without my glasses of course. I was checking the spam page when I saw, or thought I saw one from one of these dating companies saying "Meet Ray, he loves goats and virgins". That got my attention. I squinted even closer and yup, that's what I thought it said. Of course, I didn't care if this was spam, I wanted to see a picture of this guy. So I went and got my glasses and came back and realized that it had really said, "Meet Ray, he has goals and values". Well that's boring! Life is so much more interesting without glasses. This has given me a few thoughts about stuff like that, that I'd thought I'd share with you.
I remember a birthday card I gave my sister about 30 years ago. Yep that's the same one that tamed the Impala, I've only got one, but she's enough. Anyway, it had a picture of a woman on the front and it said " Happy Birthday, one year older" and you opened it up and it said, "and one year closer to looking like mom!"
Well, Mary Lou dropped that thing like it was on fire and screamed. I thought it was a great card, hardly deserving of that reaction. The point is like it or not, we're getting older and that moment is going to arise, if it hasn't already, when you look in the mirror and your mom or dad or some other relative is looking back at you and this is not a good hair day for them. Luckily, this usually happens when you first get up in the morning, so it can screw up your whole day, or sometime other than when you are looking your finest. If it happens to you when you are all dressed up, than you need to make a serious review of your wardrobe, or better yet, just take out the teeth, put on your robe and slippers and check yourself into an "assisted care facility" it's all over for you. Every once in awhile my dad or mom show up in my mirror. I'm waiting for the day, my Aunt Lena shows up. That's going to be an omen.
I remember one day when my son Jason was in high school and his girlfriend was over at the house. Jason is a strikingly handsome young man, but he does favor his father some. Anyway, my ex used to work nights, so he would sleep days and afternoons. It was his habit at some time in the afternoon he would wake up for a snack and wander into the kitchen to find something to eat and then wander back to bed. This was usually accompanied by wearing a pair of loose holey jockeys and a lot of ass scratching and hair that was standing straight up and dried spit in the corners of his mouth. Anyway, we are all sitting in the family room and guess who comes walking through in true form? The devil made me do it and I pointed out to the girlfriend that if she stuck with Jason, this is what she could look forward to in about 40 years. Her head snapped around so fast I'm amazed she didn't get whiplash. Luckily, she wasn't "the one". Luckily for Jason that is, I've seen her mom!
The interesting thing about this process of aging is that it happens gradually and we don't really notice it until one day, boom! there it is. I remember thinking that my mother had to be a complete idiot some of the things she did. We would get home from the grocery store and be putting things away and inevitably my mom would say something like "that's not what i wanted" and I'd think to myself, then why'd you buy it? Shades of "goats and virgins" here. I do that myself. I'll be looking through the cabinets and see something and think, when did I buy that? Or go to get a can of beets from the cabinet and find that instead I bought "extra slimey okra with pigs feet". Yeah, I had the glasses on for that one!
I know I am a constant source of amusement for the Doos. Especially when I lose something and go looking for it. they love to watch me search the same place 15 times, all the while the something I'm searching for is sitting about 3 feet away in the wide open. I think once in awhile they actually take my keys, for example, and hide them in a crate and watch me go nuts trying to find them and then put them back in the same spot i had just searched. I'm suspicious of that because I have seen a little paw slapping going on behind my back. They also love it when I go searching for something, forget what it was and then have to come back after I've remembered. I see some nudging going on as I come into a room and then get that blank look and leave again only to return when I've remembered. Bill Cosby said he figured that we had a memory button somewhere on our butts that activated when we went to sit down after forgetting what it was we were looking for. He said that life would be much easier if we could find the button and just push it when we forgot.
As for me, I'm enjoying old age. I'm going to keep on not wearing the glasses and read some interesting things. I'm going to keep on buying things that I wouldn't eat if it was the last can on earth. I'm going to continue to amuse my dogs with senility. I'll leave you for now with my last foray into senility. Last week, I went nuts looking for my glasses. I don't care how many pair you have, you can never find one when your looking. Finally, I made one of my 300/day pee stops and was sitting there on the commode and looked into the mirror and saw my glasses... on my face... Ain't life weird!
Life in the Blue Ridge mountains of GA. As seen through the eyes of a pack of Dalmatians and their person.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
It was a '64 Impala officer......
Dear God, can you die of asphyxiation from dog farts? It either that or I'm getting light headed from the lack of oxygen in the room. Actually 90% of what we breathe in is Nitrogen, but I think dog farts displace that too. I thought if I go I'd better leave someone a note telling them why and blaming it on "the bad dog". I don't know what these dogs are eating, I'm feeding them their regular kibble. They smell like pickled eggs and beer farts which are in a class all of their own. I have an ex-husband who had a penchant for pickled eggs and beer. He also had a fondness for holding my head under the covers. If you have ever smelled one of these wonders, you will never forget it. Now all I have to do is find their stash of pickled eggs and beer! I'll throw out the pickled eggs and drink the beer.
Speaking of the bad dog, I was cooking the rest of the hamburger that I put in the freezer tonight. Naturally, I have dogs following my every move hoping I'll pass out and then they can get the hamburger. Maybe that is what the farts are all about. I very casually turn and mention that if the bad dog was thinking of making an appearance tonight, that I would kill the first dog I see and then go after the bad dog. I told them, "see I have 6 of you and this is the last of my precious ground beef!" Nobody even moved an ear and some of them even went to lay in their crates. Of course, Sunfire wasn't among them, he is an eternal optimist. The hamburger was great!
Have you ever been laying in bed trying to take a nap and you know how your mind wanders? I was doing that today and an old memory came drifting by. I started laughing so hard I was snorting. Lotto thought I was having a heart attack and came up to see what was wrong. She saw me having hysterics, snot running down my nose and unable to stop either. She looked at me with that goofy smile she has where she squints her eyes, scrunches up her ears and lifts her front lip. In the Dal world, this is known as a "smarl", half smile, half snarl. The cause of this was a memory that as far as I can remember was the funniest experience of my life. Now my sister who was the other 1/2 of the experience may not have agreed at the time, but since then we have had some great laugh fests remembering this.
This whole memory thing came about because I was looking for a new picture to put up for Facebook. I have one posted, a 6th or 7th grade picture of me looking so cute in my catholic school uniform. Anyway, I see something on the picture and enlarge it to see what it was. It was tire tracks! I sent my sister an instant message about it and she answered back that it was from a "'64 Impala". At the mention of that I started laughing and snorting etc. The little incident this afternoon was just a continuation of that. I've been laughing my ass off about this for 3 days and decided that anything that funny needs to be passed on to the loyal pig and Yorkie fans.
Okay, picture this, it was 1970 + and my sister and I had been to the mall shopping.We had on our elephant bell pants, platform shoes, long straight hair etc. We had just come out of TJ-Max at a large mall and were getting ready to cross to the parking lot. You know how you glance to make sure someone isn't trying to mow you down and then proceed. I was on the right, my sister Mary Lou was on the left and everything was clear on the right and there was a car moving towards us on the left but with plenty of room to stop. So we are having this conversation and we both hear a lot of people saying "Whoa, Whoa" and "STOP". About this time this car goes in front of me and I see my sister leave with the car. My first thought was "that's pretty damn rude, I'm talking to her and she leaves!" A millisecond later it dawns on me that she had just been hit by this car and was riding the front passenger side of the fender. Now let me take time to stage the whole thing for you. When I glanced left, there was a car coming, but I thought it would stop, it wouldn't have had to slam on it's brakes or anything, that was assuming on my part that it had brakes What I saw go in front of me was a 1964 Chevrolet Impala with 7 large African American men riding in it, all of them hollering "WHOA" or "STOP" and had the doors open and feet were dragging on the ground in a vain attempt to stop this train of a car. I bring up the fact of their ethnicity only to give you an idea as to their state of mind. This was the '70's in the south and a car full of black guys just hit a white girl in front of a well populated mall and it appeared that they didn't even try to stop. I look up at the car as it is leaving and see my sister riding that fender like a Brahman bull at a Texas rodeo. She didn't want to fall off and get run over by the thing but all she was missing was a cowboy hat and an arm waving in the air. They traveled about another 30 feet or so before they came to a stop. I think by this time the guys were outside the car trying to stop it. Now this happened before I studied physics, but the 1964 full sized car, which the Impala is, is a certified land yacht, you could sit 8 people in that car and 7 very comfortably. You could rent out the back seat to a family of 5 and the trunk to 2 families of illegals. The words momentum and inertia describe this incident. As a matter of fact if you look up momentum you'll see a picture of '64 Impala with some cowgirl riding the right front fender. Of course I ran after the car and got there about the time it stopped. Just in time to see Mary Lou slide off the fender. There were a couple of guys trying to help her and another one trying to sign her up for the bronc riding event in the next Olympics. She appeared to be a little dazed but unhurt, can't understand that can you?? I asked her if she was alright and I think she said yeah. I don't remember much more about that, I was laughing too hard. We made a pact not to tell our mom. I think it was because we were driving her car and I think sometime after that we did tell her. My mom passed in 1988 and it was probably not too long before that that we told her. Can't let someone die without knowing that one of her daughters got hit by a car and the other one almost had a cardiac laughing at it. I think Mary Lou wound up with a huge bruise on her butt. But it was well worth it to give us damn near 40 years of great laughs. We did retrieve her purse before we left. It was one of those hippie shoulder bags made from suede with fringe. I am here to attest that she never could get the tire print off of that thing. I hope she still has it. Now, if you thought this was funny to read about, you should have been there to see it.
Today is my mother's birthday, she would have been 91, Happy Birthday Mom. In three days, the 18th, it will be my sister's birthday and she will be 54. I want to thank her for being my sister and loving me no matter what and especially for giving me one of the funniest memories ever. Love you Lou!
Speaking of the bad dog, I was cooking the rest of the hamburger that I put in the freezer tonight. Naturally, I have dogs following my every move hoping I'll pass out and then they can get the hamburger. Maybe that is what the farts are all about. I very casually turn and mention that if the bad dog was thinking of making an appearance tonight, that I would kill the first dog I see and then go after the bad dog. I told them, "see I have 6 of you and this is the last of my precious ground beef!" Nobody even moved an ear and some of them even went to lay in their crates. Of course, Sunfire wasn't among them, he is an eternal optimist. The hamburger was great!
Have you ever been laying in bed trying to take a nap and you know how your mind wanders? I was doing that today and an old memory came drifting by. I started laughing so hard I was snorting. Lotto thought I was having a heart attack and came up to see what was wrong. She saw me having hysterics, snot running down my nose and unable to stop either. She looked at me with that goofy smile she has where she squints her eyes, scrunches up her ears and lifts her front lip. In the Dal world, this is known as a "smarl", half smile, half snarl. The cause of this was a memory that as far as I can remember was the funniest experience of my life. Now my sister who was the other 1/2 of the experience may not have agreed at the time, but since then we have had some great laugh fests remembering this.
This whole memory thing came about because I was looking for a new picture to put up for Facebook. I have one posted, a 6th or 7th grade picture of me looking so cute in my catholic school uniform. Anyway, I see something on the picture and enlarge it to see what it was. It was tire tracks! I sent my sister an instant message about it and she answered back that it was from a "'64 Impala". At the mention of that I started laughing and snorting etc. The little incident this afternoon was just a continuation of that. I've been laughing my ass off about this for 3 days and decided that anything that funny needs to be passed on to the loyal pig and Yorkie fans.
Okay, picture this, it was 1970 + and my sister and I had been to the mall shopping.We had on our elephant bell pants, platform shoes, long straight hair etc. We had just come out of TJ-Max at a large mall and were getting ready to cross to the parking lot. You know how you glance to make sure someone isn't trying to mow you down and then proceed. I was on the right, my sister Mary Lou was on the left and everything was clear on the right and there was a car moving towards us on the left but with plenty of room to stop. So we are having this conversation and we both hear a lot of people saying "Whoa, Whoa" and "STOP". About this time this car goes in front of me and I see my sister leave with the car. My first thought was "that's pretty damn rude, I'm talking to her and she leaves!" A millisecond later it dawns on me that she had just been hit by this car and was riding the front passenger side of the fender. Now let me take time to stage the whole thing for you. When I glanced left, there was a car coming, but I thought it would stop, it wouldn't have had to slam on it's brakes or anything, that was assuming on my part that it had brakes What I saw go in front of me was a 1964 Chevrolet Impala with 7 large African American men riding in it, all of them hollering "WHOA" or "STOP" and had the doors open and feet were dragging on the ground in a vain attempt to stop this train of a car. I bring up the fact of their ethnicity only to give you an idea as to their state of mind. This was the '70's in the south and a car full of black guys just hit a white girl in front of a well populated mall and it appeared that they didn't even try to stop. I look up at the car as it is leaving and see my sister riding that fender like a Brahman bull at a Texas rodeo. She didn't want to fall off and get run over by the thing but all she was missing was a cowboy hat and an arm waving in the air. They traveled about another 30 feet or so before they came to a stop. I think by this time the guys were outside the car trying to stop it. Now this happened before I studied physics, but the 1964 full sized car, which the Impala is, is a certified land yacht, you could sit 8 people in that car and 7 very comfortably. You could rent out the back seat to a family of 5 and the trunk to 2 families of illegals. The words momentum and inertia describe this incident. As a matter of fact if you look up momentum you'll see a picture of '64 Impala with some cowgirl riding the right front fender. Of course I ran after the car and got there about the time it stopped. Just in time to see Mary Lou slide off the fender. There were a couple of guys trying to help her and another one trying to sign her up for the bronc riding event in the next Olympics. She appeared to be a little dazed but unhurt, can't understand that can you?? I asked her if she was alright and I think she said yeah. I don't remember much more about that, I was laughing too hard. We made a pact not to tell our mom. I think it was because we were driving her car and I think sometime after that we did tell her. My mom passed in 1988 and it was probably not too long before that that we told her. Can't let someone die without knowing that one of her daughters got hit by a car and the other one almost had a cardiac laughing at it. I think Mary Lou wound up with a huge bruise on her butt. But it was well worth it to give us damn near 40 years of great laughs. We did retrieve her purse before we left. It was one of those hippie shoulder bags made from suede with fringe. I am here to attest that she never could get the tire print off of that thing. I hope she still has it. Now, if you thought this was funny to read about, you should have been there to see it.
Today is my mother's birthday, she would have been 91, Happy Birthday Mom. In three days, the 18th, it will be my sister's birthday and she will be 54. I want to thank her for being my sister and loving me no matter what and especially for giving me one of the funniest memories ever. Love you Lou!
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